I'd like to review a book by Dr. Willard Harley entitled "His Needs, Her Needs". Now before I go much further, I'd like to say that Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist who practices as a marriage therapist. His views have a traditional spin on them, but his approach is logical and empowering. What I like about the book is that it gives men a very goal oriented process of improving the marriage... something I think men can understand. Don't get me wrong here. I don't think the men will pick the book up and read it, but at least when the wife reads it, she can explain it to the man in a manner in which he is accustomed; like a how to manual.

Dr. Harley explains that the needs of a man and a woman are different (no surprise here), but he breaks it down to the most important needs, what they are and why they are important. I think most people fail to realize that no matter how we feel about things, we cannot expect our significant other to feel the same way. We can't force it on them, and we can't be angry with them for not feeling like us! But, now this is a big but, we can allow them to have these needs and help them fulfill them within reason. We're not talking about giving him a free pass to the strip joint here... we're talking about understanding why he thinks superficial looks are important and accepting the fact that we can't look our worst ALL the time ladies. Sexist? maybe. Honest? definitely.

I also think he makes a very good point. Relationships cannot flourish if we choose to spend our time and hobbies apart. There are exceptions to every rule. But for the most part, I think he's right. After all, why should we give our spouse a chance to cultivate a special relationship with others? Shouldn't we come first? And then after we have fulfilled our responsibility to our spouse, and we have time, then we can spend it doing whatever is acceptable. Now I suppose if you do not like spending time with your husband/wife you might not agree. But isn't that kind of weird? You don't like spending time with him/her? Why are you married?

There are exercises and rating systems so that you can share this information with your spouse. When you decide what IS important to you, you share it and then make a plan. See what is tolerable to you and decide whether you can honor his or her request. Maybe he can downgrade his video game time, or maybe you can choose a game you would like to play together. Maybe he can spend more time with the kids and consequently you might feel more amorously towards him (more sex!). You can make this a win-win, but there is some negotiation involved.

This is a very good book, with some excellent foundational practices. More on this later.

I would like to share information about relationships, as well as understand that each and every one of us handle them differently. What works for one relationship (and I mean couples, as well as family interactions), may not work for another. But there is one common theme that promotes healthy relationships, and we have all heard this before! Communication.

There are barriers to good communication, whether it be the inability to ask for something you think you deserve, or the inability to listen to someone's needs (either out of selfishness or just plain habit). No relationship can thrive without communication. The way in which things are communicated are important also, as the language should be non threatening and easy to understand. When you "need" something from your partner, you should use an "I" format. Rather than say "You watch too much TV," one might say "I feel like we need some time together, can you spend an hour with me tonight?" Or "you drink too much," might be changed to "I like talking to you... before you crack open that beer, can we sit down together?" Also, the mood and timing are also important. I wouldn't think it would work right after a big blowout. Give it a little time.

Obviously not every attempt ends in success. But it's worth a try :)